Bill Gates- After Death

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!
Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.
"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked
"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"
_________________

Stayer- nicefun.net

Medical jokes

Posted by: "Hakiki Akbari" hakikiakbari@yahoo.

Is she feeling any better?

• Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
  
• Nurse: No change yet.
  
• What should I do then?
  
• Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?
  
• Doctor: Sell!
  

Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease

• 5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
  
• 4. You are always meeting new people.
  
• 3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.
  
• 2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
  
• 1. Mysteries are always interesting.
  

The prison hospital

• Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
  
• Doctor: I am, bit by bit. How much will this cost me?
  
• Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
  
• Dentist: $100.00.
  
• Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
  
• Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
  
• Would you please do me a favor? A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
  
• Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
  
• Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
  
• Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
  
• A doctor is complaining to a mechanic A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
  
• "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
  

Can I play the piano once these are off?

• A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
  
• "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
  
• "I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
  
• "That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
  

Get me an ambulence now A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

• Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!
  
• Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
  

The bad and the worse news A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

• Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
  
• Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
  
• Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
  
• Man: And the bad news?
  
• Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
  
• Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

Can we all related to this? Do you?

If only everyone understood . . .
(note: no offense, just for laugh)
==================================

• I am an Auditor (but I don't bit!)
  
• I don't wear a pocket protector!
  
• I don't carry a calculator at all times, but I do can use it without looking at the numbers.
  
• I don't wear skinny ties and coke-bottle glasses. I get psyched for business casual.
  
• I carry a laptop, not because I think it's cool, but because I have to.
  
• It's certainly not cool anymore when you have to carry it across the town in the middle of the summer... along with two other very big bags and a box of workpapers.
  
• I have lots of papercuts... not from regular paper, but binders that hurt. The ones with pockets and folders.
  
• I have a desk, and I have a phone, but I'm never at either of them. I sit at a table meant for 4 with 8 other people.
  
• I work with people everyday, but everyone thinks I have no social skills. They fail to realize that after talking to incompetent people throughout the day the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone!
  
• I worry about financial statement presentation and proper timing of accruals.
  
• I spend significant amounts of time waiting for others to do their job; and when they're done, it's still not right, even though they've been doing it for 10 years or more.
  
• I know GAAP is crap...but it's the best thing we've got. By God, if you ask me one more question about how to do your taxes, I might just rip your head off!!!!
  
• I work overtime six months out of the year, and then get told to watch how much time I spend on my work. Then, I try not to spend too much time on my work, only to get told my bonus is based on overtime. Oh wait, we don't get bonuses!
  
• I have an apartment, but it's really just a place to store my clothes and old workpapers that the garbage men won't even take. I can cook, but I can't remember the last time I came home and wanted to.
  

I'm just a person who went to school for way too long, who is overworked,and underpaid, who gets no respect for my work, and has finally realized that my entire career is based on providing information no one understands,to people who couldn't care less.

My name is ___________.

And I am.... AN AUDITOR!!!
_________________________________________________________________
from ; milis

Joke collection – 225

Fishing

• A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.
  
• "Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
  
• So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
  
• "Fishin', sir."
  
• "Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
  
• The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
  
• His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
  
• The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
  

Final Exam

• Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there.
  

• They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
  
  
• Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
  
  
• They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
  
  
• The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
  
  
• They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
  
  
• They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
  
• Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
  
• (For 95 points): Which tire?

Joke collection – 224

Town Hall Meeting

• The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.
  
• The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
  
• A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.
  
• The hypnotist began chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
  
• The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
  
• Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.
  
• "Crap!" said the hypnotist.
  
• It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
  

Maried Man's Problem

• After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
  
  
• After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
  
  
• The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
  
  
• All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
  
  
• The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
  
  
• The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
  
• His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
  

Chain Saw

• A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
  
• The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.
  
• The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
  
• The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"
  

Gorilla Removal Service

• This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.
  
• He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
  
  
• "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
  
• "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there."
  
• An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
  
• He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.
  
  
• When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."
  
  
• The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
  "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."
  

Joke collection – 223

Twins

• An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident.
  
• She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months.
  
• When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
  
  
• Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says.
  
• The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?"
  
• He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
  
  
• "In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."
  
• The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies.
  
• The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother.
  
• We'll call and tell him you're okay.
  
• While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you.
  
• He even gave the babies names."
  
  
• At this point, the woman gets upset,
  
• "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?"
  
• The doctor answered that her name was Denise.
  
• "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?"
  
• The doctor answered, "Denephew".
  

Lost Wife

• Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
  
• One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
  
• "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
  
• "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
  
• "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass.
  
• What's your wife look like?"
  
• "Never mind, let's look for yours!"
  

Biology Exam

• Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
  
  
• Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
  
  
• Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
  
• Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
  
• "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you.
  
• One, you have not studied your lesson.
  
• Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
  

American History

• It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
  
• The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
  
• Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
  
• She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
  
• "Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.
  
• "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
  
• Again, no response, except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki
  
  
• The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
  
• She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
  
• At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
  
  
• Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
  
• Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
  
• "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
  
• Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
  
• Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
  
• The teacher fainted.
  

Joke collection – 222

Lion Tamer

• A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.
  
• One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
  
• The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
  
• This is one ferocious lion.
  
• He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history.
  
• Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
  
• The girl says, "I'll go first."
  
• She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
  
• The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles.
  
• He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
  
• The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
  
• He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
  
• He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
  
• "No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
  

Area 51

• You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high- security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
  
• Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
  
  
• The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
  
  
• By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
  
  
• The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
  

I Am A Father

• A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
  
• The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
  
• The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
  
• The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."
  
• The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
  
• The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
  
• The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
  

Overcrowded Church

• The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
  
  
• One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
  
  
• The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
  
• Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
  
  
• After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
  
• The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Joke collection – 221

Library Complaint

• Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
  
• "Yes, ma'am?"
  
• "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
  
• "What was wrong with it?"
  
• "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
  
• The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
  

Cowboy In A Gay Bar

• A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
  
• "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."
  When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy,
  
• "What's the name of your penis?"
  
• The cowboy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
  
• The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."
  
• The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
  
• So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
  
• The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX"
  The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
  
• The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
  
• A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, " So, what do you guys call yours?"
  
• The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One."
  
• Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
  
• The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.
  
• Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
  
• Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
  
• The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
  
• The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!
  

The President''s Puzzle

• Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
  
• "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
  
• "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
  
• "How long did it take you?"
  
• "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
  

Mad Cows

• Two cows were talking in the field.
  
• One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
  
• The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
  

Joke collection – 220

What's In The Bag?

• Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack.
  
• When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
  
• "Jus' some chickens."
  
• "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
  
• "I'll give you both of them."
  
• "OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
  

Oh Grandma

• The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
  
• The grandmother was curious.
  
• "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
  
• The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
  

A pirate at the local bar discusses his past

• A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
  
• The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
  The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
  
• The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
  
• Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
  "Wow!" said the seaman.
  
• "What about your hook"?
  
• "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
  
• One of the enemy cut my hand off."
  
• "Incredible!" remarked the seaman.
  
• "How did you get the eye patch"? "
  
• A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
  
• "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.
  
• "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
  

Bottle Trouble

• A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
  
• During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
  
• "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
  
• Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
  
• She's hitting the bottle."
  

Joke collection – 219

Picture This!

• A man goes skydiving.
  
• After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens.
  
• He tries everything but can't get it open.
  
• Just then another man flies by him, going UP.
  
• The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?
  
• The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?
  

Say Partner

• A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
  
• Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
  
• When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
  He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
  
• "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
  
• No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
  
• Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
  
• The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
  
• He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
  
• The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
  
• The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
  

Simple Operation

• A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
  
• "What's the matter?" he was asked.
  
• He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
  
• "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
  
• "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
  

Horses at the Race

• A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
  
• The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear.
  
• Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''
  The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
  
• The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
  
• The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
  They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
  
• The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear.
  
• The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
  
• At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly.
  
• Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
  
• This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
  
• The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
  
• The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse.
  
• What is he--deaf or something?''
  
• The trainer replies, ''Deaf??
  
• DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''
  

joke collection – 213

What We Learn From Watching TV

(joke)


Good guys always win and get the girl.
Good guys only get shot in the arm or leg.
Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.

Police chases usually include a car going through a plate glass window.
Bad guys spend time making elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if they actually work.

The police are always smart, and never wait for back-up.
Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.
After being shot, there is always enough time to escape.
Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark sunglasses.

Cars usually explode in accidents.
Court cases are usually solved with a surprise witness.
Private detective work is prestigious, glamorous, and pays very well.
Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
High school students look thirty years old.

All Chinese people know karate.
Everybody wins in Las Vegas.
Women normally wake up in the morning with make-up on.
Nobody has time to watch TV.
You'll never have trouble finding a parking place if you're in a hurry.
Fist fights don't result in bruises.

Housework is never needed, though people sometimes vacuum even though the carpet is already clean.
If a women is running away from someone she will run down the middle of the parking lot or street, and trip and fall.

Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster.
Haunted houses are never locked.
There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men.
Computers know everything and never crash.
And most amazing of all, rich people are all unhappy!
______________________________________________________________________________
You can at any time decide to alter the course of your life.
No one can take that away from you.
You can do what you want to do. You can be who you want to be.


(joke) ID ten T error

Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her
computer. So she called Dave, the computer guy, over to her desk. Dave
clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away,
Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran over Judy's face. "An ID ten T error? What's
that..in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin, "Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error before."

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

She wrote: ID10T



Indo community

joke collection – 212

Stupido Italiano
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

• "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro. "
  
• " What do you mean it's illegal? " asked the Englishmen.
  
• " Quattro means four " replies the Italian official.
  
  
• " Quattro is just the name of the automobile, " the Englishmen retort disbelievingly.
  
• " Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons. "
  
• " You can't pull that one on me, " replies the Italian customs agent.
  
  
• " Quattro means four.
  
• You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law ".
  
  
• The Englishmen replies angrily, " You idiot! Call your supervisor over.
  
• I want to speak to someone with more intelligence! "
  
• " Sorry, " responds the Italian official, " he can't come.
  
• He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno. "
  

Indo community

joke collection – 211

Sobriety tests

• A man is going down the road, and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman.
  
• When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding.
  
• The man is shocked,but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding.
  
  
• While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat.
  
• He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they not believe him, and tells him to prove it.
  
• So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives.
  
• At the same time, 2 men are driving by and witness the two on the side of the road.
  
• One of the men looks to the other man and says,"Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking, those sobriety tests these days are rough!"
  

Indo community

joke collection – 210

Married in Heaven

• On their way to get married, a young couple die in a fatal car accident.
  
• The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
  
• While waiting, they begin to wonder: "Could they possibly get married in Heaven?" When St. Peter showed up, they decided to ask him.
  
• St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."
  
• The couple sat and waited for an answer, for a couple of months, and they began to worry; if they were allowed to get married, what if things didn't work out? Were they stuck together forever?
  

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,looking somewhat annoyed. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"


St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"


__________________________________________________
To the question of your life you are the answer,
and to the problems of your life you are the solution


Indo community

joke collection – 209

males or females

• A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
  fly swatter.
  
• "What are you doing?" She asked.
  
  
• "Hunting Flies." He responded.
  
• "Oh, killing any?" She asked.
  
  
• "Yep, 3 males, and 2 females." He replied.
  
• Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell which is which?"
  
• He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"
  

Indo community

joke collection – 208

english version

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

• "That's a serious step," he said, "Have you thought it out completely?"
  
• "Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."
  
• "How about transportation?" the father asked.
  
• "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had answer to every question the father raise. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married,you're liable to have babies, you know." "We've thought about that too", the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it !!!

Math Class:
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' I said "6"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'
"What's the f**king difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
__________________________________________________
To the question of your life you are the answer,
and to the problems of your life you are the solution

joke collection – 207

How to understand Marketing!!

• The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
  
• However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
  
  
• Here it is:
  
• You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing.
  

• You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
  
• One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising.
  
  
• You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing.
  
  
• You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say,"May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Public Relations.
  
  
• You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,"I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition.
  
  
• You're at a party and see a handsome guy. ou talk him into going home with your friend.That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
  
• That's Tech Support.
  
  
• You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
  

Indo community

joke collection – 206

How to spell a Mississipi

• A bus stops and two Jamaican men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
  
• The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
  
  
• "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.
  
• Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
  
• Then I come one lasta time."
  
  
• "You foul-mouthed swine, "retorted the lady indignantly.
  
• "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
  
• "Hey, coola down lady, "said the man.
  
• "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
  
• I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi.
  
  
  
  

Best Regards,
Sermawati Tanudjaja

joke collection – 205

how to make a women/a man Happy

To make a woman happy, all you have to do is to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organised
24. tidy
25. very clean
27. athletic
28. affectionate
29. affable
30. attentive
31. ambitious
32. amenable
33. articulate
34. bold
35. brave
36. creative
37. courageous
38. complimentary
39. capable
40. decisive
41. intelligent
42. imaginative
43. interesting
44. prudent
45. patient
46. polite
47. passionate
48. respectful
49. sweet
50. strong
51. skilful
52. supportive
53. sympathetic
54. tolerant
55. understanding
56. someone who loves shopping
57. someone who doesn't make problems
58. someone who never looks at other women
59. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:

60. are neither jealous nor disinterested
61. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her
62. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:

63. Not forget the dates of:
* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
* graduation
* birthday
* menstruation

However, even if you observe the above instr uctions perfectly, you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild bastard-bohemian-drunk-bonviveur she meets...


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Let him have sex with you



Indo community

joke collection – 204

  How do I get in to Heaven?

• If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
  
  
• "NO!" the children all answered.
  
  
• "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
  
  
• Again, the answer was, "NO!"
  
  
• "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
  
  
• Again, they all answered, "NO!"
  
• "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
  
• A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
  
  
  

Indo community