Joke collection – 219

Picture This!

• A man goes skydiving.
  
• After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens.
  
• He tries everything but can't get it open.
  
• Just then another man flies by him, going UP.
  
• The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?
  
• The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?
  

Say Partner

• A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
  
• Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
  
• When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
  He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
  
• "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
  
• No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
  
• Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
  
• The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
  
• He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
  
• The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
  
• The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
  

Simple Operation

• A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
  
• "What's the matter?" he was asked.
  
• He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
  
• "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
  
• "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
  

Horses at the Race

• A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
  
• The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear.
  
• Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''
  The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
  
• The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
  
• The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
  They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
  
• The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear.
  
• The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
  
• At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly.
  
• Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
  
• This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
  
• The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
  
• The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse.
  
• What is he--deaf or something?''
  
• The trainer replies, ''Deaf??
  
• DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''