joke collection - 06

(joke)

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies ,lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough, " says Morris.
The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads.

Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."
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While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of arguments, the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position. As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from it!!
The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady..

It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"
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A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
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Indo community

joke collection - 05

A small boy walked into a police station one day and said,

• 'I've got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.'
  
• 'Are there any windows in your room?' asked the officer.
  
• 'Yes, of course there are!' said the boy.
  
• 'Have you tried opening them?'
  
• 'I can't...all my pigeons would escape.'

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A know it all agriculture student said to a farmer:

• "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
  
• "I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "Actually...I would be surprised if it even gave me ten pounds of apples. This is an orange tree."
  

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Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules. Helen said,

• "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
  
• "My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."
  
• "You wake up at six o'clock?"
  
• "Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
  

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,

• "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
  

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A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud,

• "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
  
• The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex-category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
  
• "Really?"
  
• "Yes sir. They're called darts."
  

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A traveling salesman was driving through the country late one night when his car died. Seeing a farmhouse nearby, he knocked on the door.

• "My car broke down," the salesman explained to the farmer who answered. "Could I possibly spend the night here?"
  
• "Yes," said the farmer, "but you'll have to share a bed with my son."
  
• "Uh-oh," the salesman replied, "I must be in the wrong joke."
  

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Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby-sitter when 6 year old, kyle said,

• "You can't sit in Daddy's seat"
  
• "Daddy's not home," the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss"
  
• Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there." He pointed to his mother's chair.
  

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

• So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
  

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

• The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
  
• She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"...
  
• The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
  

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In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
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indo community

joke collection - 04

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other,

• "You see that Indian?"
  
• "Yeah," says the other cowboy.
  
• "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
  
• Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
  
• "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing! How do you know all that?"
  
• The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
  
  

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"How are things going?" one bee asked another.

• "Terrible," the second bee replied.
  
• "I can't find any flowers or pollen anywhere."
  
• "No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down this street until you see all the cars. There's an outdoor bar mitzvah going on with lots of flower arrangements and fresh fruit."
  
• "Thanks!" said the second bee, buzzing off. Later the two bees ran into one another, and the second bee thanked the first bee for the tip. Then the first bee asked,
  
• "But what's that thing on your head?"
  
• "My yarmulke," the second bee replied. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
  
  

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The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student,

• "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
  
• "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
  
• "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.
  
• "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
  
  

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THE PERFECT BREAKFAST

You're sitting at the kitchen table at breakfast.
Your son is pictured on the Wheaties box.
Your lover is pictured on the cover of PLAYGIRL.
Your husband is pictured on the milk carton.
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Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him,

• "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
  
• "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
  A clerk answers and Tom says,
  
• "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
  
• The clerk replies,"Canned or frozen?"
  
  

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The diplomat was cornered at an official function by a more-or-less attractive woman who challenged him to guess her age.
Without missing a beat, he answered gallantly, "Madam, your question presents a rare challenge for me; I cannot decide whether to say how young you must be because of your fresh beauty, or how old you must be because of your obvious wisdom."

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A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500.

And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
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Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.


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indo community

joke collection - 03

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

• The man says: "What's the problem, officer?"
  
• Officer: "You were going at least 75mph in what is a 55mph limit."
• Man: "No, sir, I was going 60mph."
  Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80mph." The man gives his wife a dirty look.
  
• Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken brake light."
  
• Man: "Broken brake light? I didn't know about a broken brake light."
  
• Wife: "Oh, Harry, you've known about that brake light for weeks." The man gives his wife another dirty look.
  
• Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.
  
• "Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
  
• Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." This time he turns to his wife and shouts: "Please shut your big mouth!"
  
  

At this, the officer turns to the woman and says: "Excuse me, madam, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?'' The wife replies: "Only when he's drunk."
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As is a tale, so is life not how long it is but how good it is, what matters

Indo community

joke collection - 02

A couple of Boaj hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other Boaj whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend just collapsed!
I think he's dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.

I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then the operator hears a gunshot...
The Boaj says, "OK, now what?"

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DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.

Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

What do you mean by chicken?

Could you define chicken please?

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens,
And He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road."
And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
Damn, I missed one?
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As is a tale, so is life
not how long it is but how good it is, what matters

Indo community

joke collection - 01

Two Yuppettes were shopping.

When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

• "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight.
  
• I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
  
• "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
  
• "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
  

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Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, (located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California) some folks who were new to boating were having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform.

It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
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THE TWO COW SYSTEM

• Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
  
• Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
  
• Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
  
• Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both,shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
  
• Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
  
• Corporate: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.
  
• Democracy: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
  

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A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat.

The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench in the hall.
The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area. The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting on the bench.

The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off.
The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at the other man and says

"You think that's bad, I'm just here to pay my bill."
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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to
hear from you.
Love, Your $on
Reply from dad...
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
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SPECIAL DRIVERS LICENSE
There was a valley girl driving down the center of the road at 100 mph.
A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had
stopped, the officer asked,

• "License and Registration please."
  
• "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do
  this," she said smiling.
  
• "That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a
  license."
  

The driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.
Astonished, the Officer said,

• "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
  
• She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this?
  It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."
  

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As is a tale, so is life not how long it is but how good it is, what matters

Indo community

the right man in the right chair

Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right chair? e

If yes, try this simple experiment.

Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

~If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks

-PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.
~If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks
-PUT THEM IN THE ENGINEERING DEPT.

~If they are arranging the bricks in some other order

-PUT THEM IN PLANNING.
~If they are throwing the bricks at each other
-PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.

~If they are sleeping
-PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
~If they have broken the bricks into pieces
-PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

~If they are sitting idle -
PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
~If they are clinging onto the bricks
-PUT THEM IN TREASURY.

~If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved
-PUT THEM IN SALES.
~If they have already left for the day
-PUT THEM IN MARKETING.

Last but not least....

~ If they are talking to each other and not a brick has moved

-PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT CELL.

"It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness."

Indo community