joke collection - 04

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other,

• "You see that Indian?"
  
• "Yeah," says the other cowboy.
  
• "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
  
• Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
  
• "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing! How do you know all that?"
  
• The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
  
  

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"How are things going?" one bee asked another.

• "Terrible," the second bee replied.
  
• "I can't find any flowers or pollen anywhere."
  
• "No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down this street until you see all the cars. There's an outdoor bar mitzvah going on with lots of flower arrangements and fresh fruit."
  
• "Thanks!" said the second bee, buzzing off. Later the two bees ran into one another, and the second bee thanked the first bee for the tip. Then the first bee asked,
  
• "But what's that thing on your head?"
  
• "My yarmulke," the second bee replied. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
  
  

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The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student,

• "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.
  
• "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.
  
• "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.
  
• "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
  
  

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THE PERFECT BREAKFAST

You're sitting at the kitchen table at breakfast.
Your son is pictured on the Wheaties box.
Your lover is pictured on the cover of PLAYGIRL.
Your husband is pictured on the milk carton.
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Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him,

• "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
  
• "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
  A clerk answers and Tom says,
  
• "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
  
• The clerk replies,"Canned or frozen?"
  
  

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The diplomat was cornered at an official function by a more-or-less attractive woman who challenged him to guess her age.
Without missing a beat, he answered gallantly, "Madam, your question presents a rare challenge for me; I cannot decide whether to say how young you must be because of your fresh beauty, or how old you must be because of your obvious wisdom."

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A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500.

And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
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Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.


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