Why You’re Not Happy

Six common barriers to personal happiness and fulfillment and how to overcome them.

By Annie Stuart WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD

Happiness can be a paradox: The more you reach for it, the more it seems to slip through your fingers. "Ask yourself if you're happy, and you cease to be so," says Darrin McMahon, PhD, author of Happiness: A History.

How could this be true? Could it be you're looking for happiness in all the wrong places? Do you think happiness is what you get when you get what you want? Some say happiness is a little like falling in love, that you can't make it happen. If that's the case, then how can you become happier?

At the 2008 Happiness & Its Causes Conference in San Francisco, a wide range of people -- from scientists, doctors, and psychologists to artists, philosophers, and Tibetan Buddhists -- offered their thoughts on the topic. Here are a few of their tips for overcoming six common barriers to happiness.

HAPPINESS BARRIER NO. 1: COMPLEXITY

Solution: Simplify

Schooled in Buddhist monasteries since childhood, Thupten Jinpa, PhD, knows a thing or two about the benefits of simplicity. Why do you think monks and nuns shave their heads, he asks? For one, it simplifies their lives.

A principal English translator to the Dalai Lama, Jinpa is no longer a monk. But he still holds on to some of the lifestyle's spartan values. "My family has a one-car policy," he says, pointing out the hassles of owning more than one -- the costs, the maintenance, and the time managing the details. Multiple credit cards? They don't create freedom or happiness, he argues -- although, these days, he might get less of an argument about that.

Modern life has elevated individual choice to the highest level, he says, but these choices come at a big price. "We often conflate quality of life with standard of life," Jinpa says, "but after a point, the connection [between the two] disappears."

If you simplify your life, you create more space in your day, making it possible to reflect on your life.

HAPPINESS BARRIER NO. 2: A BREAKNECK PACE

Solution: Take a Pause

The same culture that entangles you in a web of complexity may also have you on the constant chase, Jinpa says. "That kind of tension takes a toll on your soul and your psyche." Whether you call it meditation, silence, or prayer, taking a "pause" just a few minutes a day can help you "recharge your batteries" and make you feel happier. A good time to do this is in the morning. Without it, your life may feel out of control.

Venerable Robina Courtin, a Buddhist nun and organizer of the Happiness & Its Causes Conference, recommends spending these minutes practicing mindful meditation. "During the day, we're completely absorbed by our senses," she says, "so we don't pay attention to our minds." Sit in a quiet place and simply anchor your mind on your breathing. When your mind wanders, bring it back to your breath. Through this process, you learn to observe what your mind is saying.

HAPPINESS BARRIER NO. 3: NEGATIVITY

Solution: Let go

"Your prison is nothing in comparison with the inner prison of ordinary people: the prison of attachment, the prison of anger, the prison of depression, the prison of pride." wrote Lama Zopa Rinpoche to a California prisoner, a student of the Liberation Prison Project, which offers Buddhist teachings to people in prison.

Some might view this statement as a bit of an exaggeration. But negative, compulsive thoughts do have a quality of stickiness to them, Jinpa says. How you see things and the way you experience the world are strongly linked, making it critical to adopt a positive outlook. "You interact with the world through your senses and mind," he says. "If you can find a way to stand at the doorway of your senses, you can have a say in how you experience the world."

In our culture, though, we take it as natural that people are angry, depressed, or dejected, Courtin says. "No wonder we get depressed -- it's a depressing world view. It says you can't do anything about it." If you believe your abusive boss, father, or partner is the main cause of your suffering, for example, then you've tied your own hands and risk becoming imprisoned by toxic thoughts.

The Buddhist view, by contrast, is that happiness is what you get when you give up a neurotic state of mind, Courtin says. It's empowering, she says, because knowing you can change it gives you the courage to look inside, pay attention, and take responsibility for your thoughts. Rather than judging negative thoughts, Courtin advises observing them with compassion. Then ask yourself, "What can I do about this?"

Techniques like mindful meditation can help with this, but may not be for everyone, especially those experiencing severe depression, says Philippe R. Goldin, PhD, research associate in the department of psychology at Stanford University.

But there are other simple steps you can take to counteract negativity and enhance your happiness. Practicing gratitude is one. People appear to have a certain set point for happiness, a range that's influenced by genetics. But those who regularly practice gratitude can enhance this set point by as much as 25%, reports Robert Emmons, PhD in his book, Thanks!: How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Through his research, Emmons found that people who kept gratitude journals felt better about their lives, exercised more, and were more optimistic.

HAPPINESS BARRIER NO. 4: DESPAIR

Solution: Stay hopeful

Did a parent attempt to protect you as a child by saying, "Don't get your hopes up"? There's no evidence that hope is hurtful, says David B. Feldman, PhD, assistant professor of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University in California. Instead, hope can greatly enhance happiness in people.

But genuine hope isn't a yellow smiley face or the denial of death at the bedside of a loved one in hospice, says Feldman, who's pursued research and clinical work addressing the question: "How do people maintain hope and meaning in the face of adversity?

Three components are essential for hope to thrive, Feldman says. They are having goals, as well as a plan and the motivation to achieve them. "Those who succeed don't internalize the blame game, either internally or externally," he says, "They ask, 'what now?'"

In addition to reaching goals, these people perform better in sports and school, Feldman says. They have a greater tolerance for pain. They use health-promoting behaviors. They also have a lower risk for depression, anxiety, and heart disease.

Feldman advises setting personally meaningful goals and checking to see where your hope falters -- is it with the plan or the motivation? Allow yourself to daydream, he says. It's a wonderful source of hope and, therefore, happiness.

HAPPINESS BARRIER NO. 5: SUPPRESSING SADNESS

Solution: Feel the real

Having a positive outlook doesn't mean you never allow yourself to feel sadness. The parents who try to protect their children from dashed hopes -- or any kind of sadness -- may actually produce the opposite effect than is intended, says James R. Doty, MD, director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University. Some suffering, he says, makes you a whole person and allows you to acclimate and move forward in your life. Doty speaks from experience. He had an alcoholic father and invalid mother. He lived on public assistance for much of his youth.

"Happiness is not the absence of sadness," says David Spiegel, MD, medical director of the Center for Integrative Medicine at Stanford University School of Medicine. It is not a stiff upper lip or the pop psychology mantra, intoning "always stay upbeat" in the face of cancer. "Phony happiness is not good." By suppressing sadness, you suppress other, more positive emotions, as well, he says, so people who try to suppress emotions actually become more anxious and depressed.

By finding outlets for sadness and frustration, you gain some measure of control, Spiegel says. Using others as a sounding board -- not as a toxic dumping ground -- can help convert generalized anxiety and depression into targeted feelings you can address with specific solutions.

HAPPINESS BARRIER NO. 6: NAVEL-GAZING

Solution: Connect with others

How important are social networks to your happiness? Perhaps even more important than you realized. A recent 20-year study of more than 4,000 people showed that happiness is influenced not just by your immediate friends and family. The happiness of a friend of a friend of a friend -- someone you've never even met -- can also influence your happiness. It turns out that happiness can spread through social networks, like a virus.

Unfortunately, many people spend so much time by themselves navel gazing, they don't benefit from this positive "contagion."

The more self-absorbed you are, the more your world closes in, and the less realistic you become, all of which produces a vicious circle. "You become oblivious to the needs of others, and the world shrinks still more, making you less able to see outside yourself." If asked, 'Why are your problems so special?" says Jinpa, you might respond, "Because they're mine!"

"If you have such a huge ego, you're setting yourself up as a huge target, which can easily get hit," Jinpa says. But using a "wide-angle lens" instead helps you see connections you wouldn't otherwise see, such as the universality of suffering. All it may take is having a loved one diagnosed with a serious disease to realize how many people are grappling with similar challenges. Feeling joined by others on this journey provides some comfort and happiness.

The straightest path to making connections like these? Compassion and caring for others.

Even primates seem to understand this, says Robert M. Sapolsky, PhD, author of Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers and research associate with the Institute of Primate Research at the National Museum of Kenya. Primates that groom each other after a stressful event experience a reduction in blood pressure. The clincher? Grooming others has a greater impact than getting groomed, says Sapolsky.

Compassion engages us with others, removes isolation, builds resilience, and leads to deep fulfillment, says Doty. "Without compassion, happiness is simply short-lived pleasure."

Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, may have said it best: "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion; if you want to be happy, practice compassion."

Happiness: 6 Myths and Truths

Don't Fall for These 6 Happiness Myths; Learn How to Overcome Them

By Annie Stuart WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

If you'd like to be happier -- who wouldn't? -- the first step may be to challenge your own views about happiness.

Maybe you think that to be happier, you need more than you have now -- more freedom, more money, more love ... fill in the blank. Or maybe you've convinced yourself that this is as good as it gets.

Such beliefs may be more myth than fact. Although a myth usually contains a kernel of truth, it can also sprout and grow, spreading seeds of doubt that can ultimately crowd out your own growth.

Here are six common myths about happiness that may actually be downsizing your happiness. The truth may set you free for a happier life, starting right now.

HAPPINESS MYTH NO. 1: EITHER YOU HAVE IT OR YOU DON'T.

Say you have two kids you've raised just the same, but they have opposite personalities -- one sour, the other sunny. This makes it hard to dispute the fact that genes play a powerful role in each person's happiness. There's evidence that genetics contributes to about 50% of your happiness set point.

But that's a far cry from 100%, says Sonja Lyubormirsky, PhD, author of The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want and professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside.

"If you do the work, research shows you can become happier, no matter what your set point is," Lyubomirsky says. "You probably won't go from a one to a 10, but you can become happier. It just takes commitment and effort, as with any meaningful goal in life."

Not only can you become happier, but it gets easier over time, she says. Do you want to work on nurturing relationships, writing in a gratitude journal, committing random acts of kindness, or developing a program of morning meditation or exercise? Changes like these -- proven methods for enhancing happiness -- can become habits after a while, which means they eventually take less effort.

HAPPINESS MYTH NO. 2: HAPPINESS IS A DESTINATION.

Many people think of happiness as a destination or acquisition - whether it's marriage, money, or a move to a new location. Sure, things like these can contribute to happiness, but not as much as you might think -- only about 10% of your whole happiness picture, Lyubomirsky says.

If you've done the math, you now realize that about 40% of your happiness is in your hands. Lasting happiness has more to do with how you behave and think, which you ultimately control more than many of life's circumstances.

Robert Biswas-Diener, MS, founder of Meridian Life Coaching LLC and co-author of Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, agrees.

"Happiness isn't the emotional finish line in the race of life," he says. It's a process and a resource. Biswas-Diener says there's a mountain of data showing that when people are happier, they become healthier and more curious, sociable, helpful, creative, and willing to try new things.

"Happiness is not just an emotional flight of fancy," he says. It's beneficial for the long run, serving a real function in our lives.

In psychological lingo, this is called the broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions, says Michael A. Cohn, PhD, a postdoctoral researcher with the Osher Center for Integrative Medicine at the University of California, San Francisco.

Cohn recently conducted a study with 86 college students who submitted daily emotion reports. The researchers measured the students' ability to flexibly respond to challenging and shifting circumstances and used a scale to assess life satisfaction. The study showed that positive emotions increased resilience -- skills for identifying opportunities and bouncing back from adversity -- as well as life satisfaction.


HAPPINESS MYTH NO. 3: YOU ALWAYS ADAPT TO YOUR HAPPINESS SET POINT.

It's true that people tend to adapt fairly quickly to positive changes in their lives, Lyubomirsky says. In fact, adaptation is one of the big obstacles to becoming happier. The long-awaited house, the new car, the prestigious job - all can bring a temporary boost, but then recede into the background over time.

Why does this happen? One reason, Lyubomirsky says, is that we evolved to pay more attention to novelty. For our ancestors, novelty signaled either danger or opportunity - for a new mate or food, for example. We're attuned to contrasts, not sameness, but that also means we readily adapt to positive experiences that happen to us, Lyubomirsky says.

"I argue that you can thwart adaptation, slow it down, or prevent it with active ways of thinking or behaving," says Lyubomirsky, who after moving to Santa Monica, Calif., found herself adapting to her beautiful surroundings. To counteract this trend, she put effort into appreciating the view she saw when running on a path overlooking the ocean. She says she now savors that view daily, trying to see it "through the eyes of a tourist."

To help thwart adaptation, you can also use novelty to your advantage. For instance, if your home has become a little ho-hum, you might try rearranging furniture or hosting parties for a variety of friends. Voluntary activities like these are most effective because they require you to pay attention, Lyubomirsky notes.

HAPPINESS MYTH NO. 4: NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ALWAYS OUTWEIGH THE POSITIVE ONES.

For quite some time, research has indicated that negative emotions are more powerful than positive ones, Cohn says. For example, studies show that people don't have equal reactions to winning $3 and losing $3, he says. The loss tends to have a stronger effect than the gain.

Negative emotions might edge out positive emotions in the moment, says Cohn, because they're telling you to find a problem and fix it. By contrast, positive emotions appear to win out over time because they let you build on what you have, a finding reinforced by Cohn's recent study.

"We found that as positive emotions go up, there comes a point where negative emotions no longer have a significant negative impact on building resources or changing life satisfaction," Cohn says. "Positive emotions won't protect you from feeling bad about things, nor should they. But over time, they can protect you from the consequences of negative emotions."

This may not be true for people with depression or other serious disorders, although they do show benefits when positive emotions are added to conventional psychotherapy, Cohn notes.


HAPPINESS MYTH NO. 5: HAPPINESS IS ALL ABOUT HEDONISM.

There's more to happiness than racking up pleasurable experiences. In fact, helping others - the opposite of hedonism - may be the most direct route to happiness, notes Stephen G. Post, PhD, co-author of Why Good Things Happen to Good People: The Exciting New Research That Proves the Link Between Doing Good and Living a Longer, Healthier, Happier Life.

"When people help others through formal volunteering or generous actions, about half report feeling a 'helper's high' and 13% even experience alleviation of aches and pains," says Post, professor of preventive medicine and director of the Center for Medical Humanities, Compassionate Care, and Bioethics at Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, N.Y.

"For most people, a pretty low threshold of activity practiced well makes a difference," Post says. This might involve volunteering just one or two hours each week or doing five generous things weekly - practices that are above and beyond what you normally do.

First documented in the 1990s, mood elevation from helping is associated with a release of serotonin, endorphins - the body's natural opiates - and oxytocin, a "compassion hormone" that reinforces even more helping behavior, Post says.

Could compassion be rooted in our neurobiology? A National Academy of Sciences 2006 study showed that simply thinking about contributing to a charity of choice activates a part of the brain called the mesolimbic pathway, the brain's reward center, which is associated with feelings of joy.

"Although just thinking about giving or writing a check can increase our levels of happiness, face-to-face interactions seem to have a higher impact," Post says. "I think that's because they engage the [brain's] agents of giving more fully through tone of voice, facial expression, and the whole body."

HAPPINESS MYTH NO. 6: ONE SIZE FITS ALL.

If you're seeking a magic bullet or mystical elixir to enhance your happiness, you're bound to be sorely disappointed. There is no "one size fits all" for happiness.

Instead, there are many ways to boost your happiness. Here are options to try:

• Pick an activity that is meaningful to you, Cohn says. Whether you choose an activity that promotes a sense of gratitude, connectedness, forgiveness, or optimism, you'll be most successful if your choices are personally relevant to you. And, he adds, this may also keep you from adapting to them too quickly.
  
• Assess your strengths and develop practices that best use these gifts, Post suggests. Are you a good cook? Deliver a meal to a shut-in. A retired teacher? Consider tutoring a child. The possibilities are limited only by your imagination.
  
• Vary your activities, because promoting happiness is largely a question of finding a good fit, Lyubomirsky says. To that end, she helped Signal Patterns develop a "Live Happy" iPhone application that starts with a short survey to identify the happiness strategies that you're suited to, such as journaling or calling someone to express gratitude. "You can lose your will [to do those activities] if it's not a good fit," Lyubomirsky says.
  

And when it comes to happiness, maintaining your will -- and acting on it -- might just put a pleasurable, meaningful life well within reach.

Choosing To Be Happy

Strategies for Happiness: 7 Steps to Becoming a Happier Person

By Tom Valeo WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

A popular greeting card attributes this quote to Henry David Thoreau: "Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

With all due respect to the author of Walden, that just isn't so, according to a growing number of psychologists. You can choose to be happy, they say. You can chase down that elusive butterfly and get it to sit on your shoulder. How? In part, by simply making the effort to monitor the workings of your mind.

Research has shown that your talent for happiness is, to a large degree, determined by your genes. Psychology professor David T. Lykken, author of Happiness: Its Nature and Nurture, says that "trying to be happier is like trying to be taller." We each have a "happiness set point," he argues, and move away from it only slightly.

And yet, psychologists who study happiness -- including Lykken -- believe we can pursue happiness. We can do this by thwarting negative emotions such as pessimism, resentment, and anger. And we can foster positive emotions, such as empathy, serenity, and especially gratitude.

HAPPINESS STRATEGY # 1: DON'T WORRY, CHOOSE HAPPY

The first step, however, is to make a conscious choice to boost your happiness. In his book, The Conquest of Happiness, published in 1930, the philosopher Bertrand Russell had this to say: "Happiness is not, except in very rare cases, something that drops into the mouth, like a ripe fruit. ... Happiness must be, for most men and women, an achievement rather than a gift of the gods, and in this achievement, effort, both inward and outward, must play a great part."

Today, psychologists who study happiness heartily agree. The intention to be happy is the first of The 9 Choices of Happy People listed by authors Rick Foster and Greg Hicks in their book of the same name.

"Intention is the active desire and commitment to be happy," they write. "It's the decision to consciously choose attitudes and behaviors that lead to happiness over unhappiness."

Tom G. Stevens, PhD, titled his book with the bold assertion, You Can Choose to Be Happy. "Choose to make happiness a top goal," Stevens tells WebMD. "Choose to take advantage of opportunities to learn how to be happy. For example, reprogram your beliefs and values. Learn good self-management skills, good interpersonal skills, and good career-related skills. Choose to be in environments and around people that increase your probability of happiness. The persons who become the happiest and grow the most are those who also make truth and their own personal growth primary values."

In short, we may be born with a happiness "set point," as Lykken calls it, but we are not stuck there. Happiness also depends on how we manage our emotions and our relationships with others.

Jon Haidt, author of The Happiness Hypothesis, teaches positive psychology. He actually assigns his students to make themselves happier during the semester.

"They have to say exactly what technique they will use," says Haidt, a professor at the University of Virginia, in Charlottesville. "They may choose to be more forgiving or more grateful. They may learn to identify negative thoughts so they can challenge them. For example, when someone crosses you, in your mind you build a case against that person, but that's very damaging to relationships. So they may learn to shut up their inner lawyer and stop building these cases against people."

Once you've decided to be happier, you can choose strategies for achieving happiness. Psychologists who study happiness tend to agree on ones like these.

HAPPINESS STRATEGY #2: CULTIVATE GRATITUDE

In his book, Authentic Happiness, University of Pennsylvania psychologist Martin Seligman encourages readers to perform a daily "gratitude exercise." It involves listing a few things that make them grateful. This shifts people away from bitterness and despair, he says, and promotes happiness.

HAPPINESS STRATEGY #3: FOSTER FORGIVENESS

Holding a grudge and nursing grievances can affect physical as well as mental health, according to a rapidly growing body of research. One way to curtail these kinds of feelings is to foster forgiveness. This reduces the power of bad events to create bitterness and resentment, say Michael McCullough and Robert Emmons, happiness researchers who edited The Psychology of Happiness.

In his book, Five Steps to Forgiveness, clinical psychologist Everett Worthington Jr. offers a 5-step process he calls REACH. First, recall the hurt. Then empathize and try to understand the act from the perpetrator's point of view. Be altruistic by recalling a time in your life when you were forgiven. Commit to putting your forgiveness into words. You can do this either in a letter to the person you're forgiving or in your journal. Finally, try to hold on to the forgiveness. Don't dwell on your anger, hurt, and desire for vengeance.

The alternative to forgiveness is mulling over a transgression. This is a form of chronic stress, says Worthington.

"Rumination is the mental health bad boy," Worthington tells WebMD. "It's associated with almost everything bad in the mental health field -- obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety -- probably hives, too."

HAPPINESS STRATEGY #4: COUNTERACT NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

As Jon Haidt puts it, improve your mental hygiene. In The Happiness Hypothesis, Haidt compares the mind to a man riding an elephant. The elephant represents the powerful thoughts and feelings -- mostly unconscious -- that drive your behavior. The man, although much weaker, can exert control over the elephant, just as you can exert control over negative thoughts and feelings.

"The key is a commitment to doing the things necessary to retrain the elephant," Haidt says. "And the evidence suggests there's a lot you can do. It just takes work."

For example, you can practice meditation, rhythmic breathing, yoga, or relaxation techniques to quell anxiety and promote serenity. You can learn to recognize and challenge thoughts you have about being inadequate and helpless.

"If you learn techniques for identifying negative thoughts, then it's easier to challenge them," Haidt said. "Sometimes just reading David Burns' book, Feeling Good, can have a positive effect."

HAPPINESS STRATEGY #5: REMEMBER, MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS

Research shows that once income climbs above the poverty level, more money brings very little extra happiness. Yet, "we keep assuming that because things aren't bringing us happiness, they're the wrong things, rather than recognizing that the pursuit itself is futile," writes Daniel Gilbert in his book, Stumbling on Happiness. "Regardless of what we achieve in the pursuit of stuff, it's never going to bring about an enduring state of happiness."

HAPPINESS STRATEGY #6: FOSTER FRIENDSHIP

There are few better antidotes to unhappiness than close friendships with people who care about you, says David G. Myers, author of The Pursuit of Happiness. One Australian study found that people over 70 who had the strongest network of friends lived much longer.

"Sadly, our increasingly individualistic society suffers from impoverished social connections, which some psychologists believe is a cause of today's epidemic levels of depression," Myers writes. "The social ties that bind also provide support in difficult times."

HAPPINESS STRATEGY #7: ENGAGE IN MEANINGFUL ACTIVITIES

People are seldom happier, says psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, than when they're in the "flow." This is a state in which your mind becomes thoroughly absorbed in a meaningful task that challenges your abilities. Yet, he has found that the most common leisure time activity -- watching TV -- produces some of the lowest levels of happiness.

To get more out of life, we need to put more into it, says Csikszentmihalyi. "Active leisure that helps a person grow does not come easily," he writes in Finding Flow. "Each of the flow-producing activities requires an initial investment of attention before it begins to be enjoyable."

So it turns out that happiness can be a matter of choice -- not just luck. Some people are lucky enough to possess genes that foster happiness. However, certain thought patterns and interpersonal skills definitely help people become an "epicure of experience," says David Lykken, whose name, in Norwegian, means "the happiness."