joke collection - 01

Two Yuppettes were shopping.

When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

• "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight.
  
• I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
  
• "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
  
• "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
  

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Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, (located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California) some folks who were new to boating were having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform.

It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
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THE TWO COW SYSTEM

• Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
  
• Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
  
• Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
  
• Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both,shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
  
• Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
  
• Corporate: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.
  
• Democracy: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
  

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A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat.

The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the bench in the hall.
The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area. The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man sitting on the bench.

The man starts complaining to the man already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off.
The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at the other man and says

"You think that's bad, I'm just here to pay my bill."
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Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to
hear from you.
Love, Your $on
Reply from dad...
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
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SPECIAL DRIVERS LICENSE
There was a valley girl driving down the center of the road at 100 mph.
A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had
stopped, the officer asked,

• "License and Registration please."
  
• "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do
  this," she said smiling.
  
• "That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a
  license."
  

The driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.
Astonished, the Officer said,

• "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."
  
• She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this?
  It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."
  

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As is a tale, so is life not how long it is but how good it is, what matters

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