joke collection - 05

A small boy walked into a police station one day and said,

• 'I've got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.'
  
• 'Are there any windows in your room?' asked the officer.
  
• 'Yes, of course there are!' said the boy.
  
• 'Have you tried opening them?'
  
• 'I can't...all my pigeons would escape.'

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A know it all agriculture student said to a farmer:

• "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
  
• "I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "Actually...I would be surprised if it even gave me ten pounds of apples. This is an orange tree."
  

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Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules. Helen said,

• "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
  
• "My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."
  
• "You wake up at six o'clock?"
  
• "Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
  

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,

• "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
  

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A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud,

• "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
  
• The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex-category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
  
• "Really?"
  
• "Yes sir. They're called darts."
  

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A traveling salesman was driving through the country late one night when his car died. Seeing a farmhouse nearby, he knocked on the door.

• "My car broke down," the salesman explained to the farmer who answered. "Could I possibly spend the night here?"
  
• "Yes," said the farmer, "but you'll have to share a bed with my son."
  
• "Uh-oh," the salesman replied, "I must be in the wrong joke."
  

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Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby-sitter when 6 year old, kyle said,

• "You can't sit in Daddy's seat"
  
• "Daddy's not home," the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss"
  
• Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there." He pointed to his mother's chair.
  

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

• So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
  

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

• The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
  
• She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"...
  
• The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
  

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In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
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