Joke collection – 223

Twins

• An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident.
  
• She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months.
  
• When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
  
  
• Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says.
  
• The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?"
  
• He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
  
  
• "In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."
  
• The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies.
  
• The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother.
  
• We'll call and tell him you're okay.
  
• While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you.
  
• He even gave the babies names."
  
  
• At this point, the woman gets upset,
  
• "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?"
  
• The doctor answered that her name was Denise.
  
• "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?"
  
• The doctor answered, "Denephew".
  

Lost Wife

• Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
  
• One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
  
• "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
  
• "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
  
• "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass.
  
• What's your wife look like?"
  
• "Never mind, let's look for yours!"
  

Biology Exam

• Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
  
  
• Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
  
  
• Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.
  
• Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
  
• "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you.
  
• One, you have not studied your lesson.
  
• Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
  

American History

• It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
  
• The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
  
• Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
  
• She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
  
• "Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.
  
• "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
  
• Again, no response, except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki
  
  
• The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
  
• She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
  
• At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
  
  
• Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
  
• Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
  
• "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
  
• Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
  
• Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
  
• The teacher fainted.