joke collection – 90

Red Lights

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, and neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it,I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,"Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us! Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh No! Am I driving?"

BC?

There was a nice old lady that was a little old fashioned. She was planning a weeks vacation in Florida at a particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first. Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities. However, she could not bring herself to write 'toilet' in a letter.

After considerable deliberation, she settled on "Bathroom Commode", but when she wrote that down it still sounded too forward so she rewrote the letter to the campground and referred to the bathroom commode as the 'BC'.

Upon reading the letter, the campground owner was baffled by the inquiry for a BC. He showed the letter to several campers but they couldn't decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner figured she must be referring to the local Baptist Church. And so, he sat down and wrote the following:

"Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure to inform you that a BC is located just nineteen miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at a time.

I admit, it is quite a distance away if you're in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly. There is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems more of an effort particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

Hard Of Hearing An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.

So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself,

"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

Aches and Pains

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

But Officer . . .

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit.

What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!

Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Hearing Problems

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Indo community