joke collection – 89

The Perks of Being Over 50

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. You sing along with elevator music.

4. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

5. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

6. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

7. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

8. Things you buy now won't wear out.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

13. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

14. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

15. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

The Golden Age

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner.

There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus.

For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for? As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.

So: When I reach the Golden age help me keep my grin. Just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn!

Give A Little Extra

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,"I'll take him and him and him." Sew Some Wild Oats An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

• "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
  
• Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
  
• The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
  
• "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
  
• "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
  

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