joke collection – 86

Man vs. Woman

• A man is a person who, if a woman says,"Never mind, I'll do it myself;" lets her.
  
• A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.
  
• A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"
  
• A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"
  
  

At the Restaraunt
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

• The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
  
• "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
  

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $12.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger,fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening,the two enter again.

• "The usual?" asks the waitress.
  
• "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
  
• "Same for me," says the ostrich.
  
• At the end of the meal the waitress comes with the bill and says, "That will be $22.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
  
• "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
  
• "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something,but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
  
• "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
  
• The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
  
• The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
  
  

Slogans
Miss Figpot was giving a lecture on company slogans, advertising and marketing in her fifth grade class.

• "Joey," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?
  
• "United." Joey answered.
  
• "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
  
• "Now Johnny, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
  
• Little Johnny answered, "Mom."
  

Miss Me?
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.

• "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.
  
• "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"
  
• "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
  
  

Waking up Johnny
Mrs. Brown was complaining to Little Johnny's mother, "I just can't seem to get my little Billy up for school in the morning. No amount of yelling or threats makes him move any faster."

• "I know what you mean." Johnny's mom commented.
  
• "Johnny was the same way until I found a solution."
  
• "You found a solution? What did you do?" Asked Billy's mom.
  
• "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed.
  Johnny sleeps with his dog."
  
  

Little Johhny on the Highway
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she is doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that left her in the dirt. She looks up and sees the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

• As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
  
• Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other car's."
  

___________________________________________________
Be more concerned with your character than your reputation,
because your character is what you really are,
while your reputation is merely what others think you are
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