joke collection – 85

(joke) A dog's life

DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
   
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
   
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
   
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
   
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
   
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
   
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
   
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
   
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
   becomes mine.
   
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
    
    
    

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
   
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
   
3. Both mark their territory.
   
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
   
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
   
6. Neither understands what you see in cats.
   
7. Neither does any dishes.
   
8. Both break wind shamelessly.
   
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
   
10. Both like dominance games.
    
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
    
    

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
   
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
   
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
   
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
   
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
   
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch.(and they never laugh at how you
   throw.)
   
7. You can train a dog.
   
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
   
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
   
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
    
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
    
    

TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
   
2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
   
3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
   
4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
   
5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
   
6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
   
7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
   
8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
   
9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
   
10. A dog does not shop.
    
    

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
   
2. Don't go out without ID.
   
3. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a kiss
   
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
   
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
   
6. Always give people a friendly greeting.
   
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
   
   

THINGS DOGS HAVE TO REMEMBER:

• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  
• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
  
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
  
• I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
  
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
  
• I will not throw up in the car.
  
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
  
• I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
  
• "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
  
• I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
  
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  
• I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose to her bottom end.
  
• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
  
• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
  
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
  
• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  
• I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back Yard with it.
  
• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
  
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
  
  

______________________________________________________________
Thoughtfulness for others, generosity, modesty and self-respect
are the qualities which make a real gentleman or lady.

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