joke collection – 26

Stolen Towels
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

The Gorilla and the Gay Man
Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it.

One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage, mounted the man, and had his way with him for an hour nonstop. When he was done, the gorilla threw the man back out of the cage.

An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital.
A week later his friend visited him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be?
He hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

Mile High Club
Two voices, male and female, obviously on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go." Sound of steps.

"This one's empty...no one's looking...you go in first."
"It a bit cramped; let me sit down."
"Have you got the condom? Quick put it on."
...Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume, you think of everything."
"This is great..." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation,because your character is what you really are,while your reputation is merely what others think you are
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