joke collection – 18

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking."
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car andknocks at the window.

* The young man lowers his window... "Yes, officer?"
* "What are you doing?"
* "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..."
* Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"
* The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."
The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing is happening!
* "What's your age, young man?"
* "I'm 25, sir..."
* "And her, what's her age?"
* The young man looks at his watch, smiles and says: "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes..."

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Therapy
A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed.

* "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
* "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
* "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.
No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

* "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person,a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real
conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
* "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
* "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
* "So, what's your problem?"
* "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

* OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
* INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

* OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
* INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

* OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
* INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

* OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
* INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

* OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
* INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking?

* OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
* INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

* OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs...
* INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

* OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
* INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

* OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
* INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister,you cheating bastard!

* OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
* INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

* OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
* INSIDE: Buy a dog.

* OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
* INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

______________________________________________________________________________
Disappointments are like road humps,
they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards.
Don't stay on the humps too long. Move on!



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