joke collection - 13

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students....here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve.. . we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked?
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two Aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

CHILDREN (further notes) - You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

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SWEET REVENGE

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done, I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry. I'll run. if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll
Click, I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud till the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

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Five Wives
A missionary heard about a native who had five wives. He paid a visit to the natives hut. Sure enough he had fives wives. The two men sat outside the hut and talked.

• "You are violating a law of God. Man can only have one wife, " the missionary said,"so you must go and tell four of those women you can no longer live here or consider you their husband."
  
  
• The native thought a few moments, then said, "Me wait here. You tell 'em."
  

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Life is a book in volumes three-- The past, the present, and the yet-to-be.
The past is written and laid away, The present we're writing every day,
And the last and best of volumes three , Is locked from sight -- God keeps the key.

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