joke collection - 11

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

• "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
  
• "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
  
• "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
  
• "Twenty-six!" he said.
  

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• "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city.
  
• The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone,"Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
  

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The young woman looked up from her hospital bed at the handsome doctor and said breathlessly,

• "They tell me, doctor, that you're a real lady killer."
  
• The doctor replied huffily, "That's a lie. The jury threw the case out of court due to lack of evidence"
  

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Tiger Woods walks into the Masters lobby and asks for a room.

• The clerk responds, "I am sorry sir we are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron shot down the road."
  
• Tiger says, "But I'm playing in the Master's tomorrow."
  
• The clerk replies again that they are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road.
  
• To this Tiger says, "But I am Tiger Woods!"
  
• The clerk then says, "Oh! I'm sorry...I didn't recognize you. That changes matters a bit. For you it's just a 9 iron shot."
  

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A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.

• The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old are you?" No response.
  
• The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
  
• Immediately four tiny fingers went up. "Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
  
• Four little fingers went up once again.
  
• Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
  
• The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Yes. Can you count?"
  

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The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent and advised them to call a lawyer.

• Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer, but you look mighty young."
  
• "I'm not a lawyer," the guy replied. "I'm just here to deliver them the pizza they ordered."
  

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When Little Johnny's family moved into a new double wide trailer one of their former neighbors dropped by.

• Seeing Johnny out front, he asked, "So, how do you like your new place?"
  
• "It's terrific," Little Johnny answered. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."
  

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Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

• "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
• "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
  

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As is a tale, so is life not how long it is but how good it is, what matters

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