joke collection - 08

John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.

• The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David!
  
• The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable.
  
• The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died."
  
• David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there todry."
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YOU'RE ONLINE TO MUCH WHEN …..

• Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
  
• When you are reading something printed, you wish you could use a search function to get to the point.
  
• Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL."
  
• When you reply to someone verbally, your fingers start typing your response.
  
• You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know there's nothing there.
  
• You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
  
• You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out."
  
• Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
  
• You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
  
• You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
  
• You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
  
• You have met over 100 onliners.
  
• You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
  
• When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
  
• You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the night when your spouse is asleep.
  
• You know more about online friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
  
• You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
  
• You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
  
• You change your screen name so much that you have to do a who is to know who you are.
  
• You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
  
• You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
  
• You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.
  
• You type faster than you can think.
  
• You can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
  
• You don't want op sign off because your afraid you'll miss an instant message.
  
• When you try to log on and your modem doesn't work you imitate the modem tones.... and it works.
  
  

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A man was trying to pull out of a parking place, but nicked the bumper of the parked car in front of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.

The note read:
"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."
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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

• He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
  The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him,
  "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
  

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On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured.

• The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate.
  
• I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
  

The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him.

He took a huge swallow and handed it back.
The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car.
The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

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