joke collection - 07

She'll never find it
Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted.

• She told the artist,"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
  
  
• But, Mam, you are not wearing any of those things."
  
  
• "True enough,"said Mrs. Whembleton. "If i should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry."
  

feeling fresh
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one
item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.

• On the bus, one turned to another and said,"So, what did you bring?"
  
  
• The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to
  paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
  
  
• Then he asked the first,"What did you bring?"
  The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,"I brought
  cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
  
  
• The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two
  took notice and asked,"Why are you so smug? what did you bring?"
  
  
• The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled,"I brought these."
  
  
• The other two were puzzled and asked,"What can you do with those?"
  
  
• He grinned and pointed to the box and said,"Well, according to the box, I can go to horseback riding, swimming, roller skating....."
  
  
  

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