AVOID THE DEADLY TRAP OF CONTEMPT

(reltionship)

By Les & Leslie Parrot Excerpts from "Fighting the Good Fight" (orig. title)

Conflict is a natural component of every marriage. No matter how deeply a man and woman love each other, they will encounter conflict. Thirty-seven percent of newlyweds admit to being more critical of their mates after marriage. And thirty percent report an increase in arguments after the honeymoon.

Whether you argue does not determine the health of your marriage. Far more important than how often you argue is how you argue. ...Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington has been studying marriages for more than twenty years and has identified the signs in conflict that almost always spell disaster...In a continuum from least to most dangerous, [they are]: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stone walling.

Do these characteristics describe your quarrels? Be on the lookout. Criticism, of course, often comes into play in marital spats, but when it leads to contempt -- when sarcasm and name-calling enter the picture -- you are on a slippery slope...When this happens, partners begin to focus on every past sin and failure of their spouse and aggressively whittle away at each other's dignity.

This kind of argument drives a wedge between couples. The next time they argue, the wedge will be driven farther and the division in their relationship made more wide. After enough shouting matches the pattern becomes ingrained and is likely to be settled ultimately in a divorce court.

To avoid the deadly trap of contempt, focus on the issue at hand --not your partner's character. If the problem is in-laws, for example, or how money is spent, or the use of personal time, argue about that, and stay away from personal assassination. You may disagree vehemently, but don't shut your partner out; don't roll your eyes in disgust.

We will say it again: Conflict is a natural part of building intimacy... Don't avoid differences...But keep your conflict restricted to the issues at hand.

You've probably seen the "grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change" prayer on plaques and posters. It may be trivialized by overfamiliarity, but it's true: One of the major tasks of marriage is learning what can and should be changed (habits of nagging, for example) and what should be overlooked (the fact that your in-laws is coming for Christmas).

Shared by Joe Gatuslao --- Philippines