joke collection – 100

50th Anniversary

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe,four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses ,and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

• Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"
  
• "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
  
• "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
  
• The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson.
  

Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

When I Was Your Age A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.


Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.  Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

• After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
  

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

• The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
  

Brand New Hat

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

• A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent,while both hands hold your hat."
  
• She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"
  

Old Ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

• One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
  
• The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
  
• The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table.
  
• Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
  

I Don't Remember

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.

• "The food and service were great!" he said.
  
• His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?"
  
• "Gee, I don't remember," he said, "What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?"
  
• "You mean a rose?" asked his friend.
  
• "That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked,"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"
  

Grandpa

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

• Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
  
• "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
  
• "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
  
• "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you a little while ago."
  
• Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
  

Insulted Wife

• The 50-ish wife comes up to her husband and says, 'So, Harvey. What do you think of my new bra-less look? Does it make me look younger?'
  
• 'It does!' Harvey says. 'It pulls all the wrinkles out of your face!'

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