How Differences Can Make Your Relationships Stronger

(relationship) by Susie and Otto Collins

Do you have these challenges in your relationships...
A woman wrote to us recently and asked the following question:

"I have been dating a wonderful man for 10 months and we seem to be very compatible in many ways. BUT I am concerned whether an introvert (who needs to be alone in his cave) and an extrovert (who needs to feel connected to people in her life) can truly have a chance for a long term healthy relationship?"

Whether this is an issue in your relationships or not--we're about to share a couple of very important strategies for creating an outstanding relationship...

First of all we think that the fact that one person is an introvert and the other is an extrovert is just another way of saying that there are differences between the two people in the relationship.

When most people come together in a relationship, there are always differences between the two people even though they may not realize it when the relationship is new.

The challenge in a relationship when major differences are present is to grow and to become better because of them instead of allowing them to become divisive and destructive to the relationship.

One of the reasons that we believe we all come together in relationship is to learn, expand, and grow from the differences that are inevitable between us. What we mean by that is that when you recognize and embrace different or unique qualities of another person that you may not have, you become a better person because of it.

In our relationship, the two of us are very much alike in many ways and have similar beliefs, interests and desires. Even though we are very compatible, there are big differences that present challenges in our life together.

One of those differences is the way we have dealt with painful issues that we need to process, whether those issues are ones between us or not.

There are times when Otto needs some time and space to get to the bottom of some anxiety or upset within him. When we first got together, it was difficult for Susie to understand his process for working through things.

As Susie began to understand, honor and appreciate Otto's process,Susie really "got" that there were times in her own life when she needed to dig a little deeper within herself. She discovered that taking some time and space to sort out her feelings that she hadn't realized were there was actually very helpful.

So instead of being judgmental about he was different from her in the way he processes things internally, she began to embrace and practice the same type of process which leads to a deeper understanding of herself and what she wants in her life.

Because this is Otto's process, this does not mean that all men take a lot of time and need a lot of space to process what's going on inside them. These kinds of differences can exist between people of either gender in friendships, intimate, business, or family relationships.

It's all about shifting your perception about those differences that either makes the relationship great or tears it down. The point is that if we agree to learn from each other, the differences can serve as a catalyst for creating better relationships and lives.
Our commitment to each other is to learn from those differences.

Here are a few ways that we have found helpful to do this:

1. Recognize that the differences do exist and don't dance around them. A friend of ours used a great metaphor to describe it when you don't. She talked about "dancing around the elephant in the room." We suggest getting the "elephant" out in the open and talking about it.
   
2. Make it "okay" to have differences in your relationship. Don't assign blame because one person wants to do something a certain way and you just don't see it that way. The exception to this idea is that you never make harmful speech or violence okay in the relationship. Just because you're making differences okay, it doesn't imply superiority.
   
3. Create a conscious strategy about how you are going to deal with those differences before they come up. If one person wants to "go to the cave," decide ahead of time that when that happens, the two of you will come back together after an agreed upon period of time and reconnect. Then stick to your agreements.
   

We've found that just because two people are different, it doesn't have to be a bad thing or indicate incompatibility. If both people are committed to creating a great relationship, the differences between them can actually serve to make them and the relationship stronger and better.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation,because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are

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Indo community