joke collection – 88

Well Organized Life

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school.

• One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?"
  
• "Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; ,my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
  
• Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
  
• "One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready and four to go."

Lack of Vision

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night.

• Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
  

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said,

• "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
  
• Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
  

Picking Vegetables

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

• "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
  
• "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
  
• "Opened a can of peas instead."

Airplane Story

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

• "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
  

Suppository

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and said,

• "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
  
• Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
  

She pulled it out and stared at it.

• Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
  
• Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
  

The Cruise

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean.

We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster,and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise.

The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

Making Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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