joke collection – 30

Tearful Wife
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.

• "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
  
• "Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"
  
• "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
  

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The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young naval student.

• "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?"
  
• "I'd throw out an anchor, sir."
  
• "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
  
• "I'd throw out another anchor, sir."
  
• "But what if a third storm sprang up forward?"
  
• "I'd throw out another anchor, captain."
  
• "Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?"
  
• "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."
  
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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First, the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear." The troops started cheering at the news.
"Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."


Be more concerned with your character than your reputation,
because your character is what you really are,
while your reputation is merely what others think you are
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