joke collection – 23

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture!"
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just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry,because he'd "be home by midnight ... promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home. just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her,
"12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her morning coffee.
"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed ,another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat;
cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

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The Blue Light Special

A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a fishing pole. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and ambles on over to the register.
There is a K-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this here fishin' pole?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. Then he said, "Well that there's a 5' graphite composite rod. Has a Maxor 202 reel with 12 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's yours for just $20 bucks".

"That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. Sounds like what I'm looking for, so I'll take it," she says.

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind rather loudly...

Embarrassed at first, but then realizing that there is no way in the world he could tell it was she... being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "Well mam, That'll be $25.50."
She says, "But you said it was $20 bucks?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, that there rod and reel is $20 bucks, sure 'nuff... and the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is our blue light special this hour, just $2.50!"
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Two women foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart "Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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If we want a love message to be heard, it has to be sent out.
To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.
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