Today's Jokes

BlabberMouth Pet
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 through the semester, he has foolishly
squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders,"How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000,"the boy says,"I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm,"he says,"but you just won't believe this -
they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one
to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father,"No kidding!
What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
So his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.
When he gets home, his father will find out
that the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido?
I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

This morning, when I got out of the shower,Fido was in the living room kicking back in
the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with
that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"

The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
............... "That's my boy!"

Efficiency
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard,we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a singlepaper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At
Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale,sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers.
Awesome Factoid

The first envelopes with gummed flaps were produced in 1844. In Britain, they were not immediately popular because it was thought to be a serious insult to send a person's saliva to someone else.
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Splitting Hairs
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come
*all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
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Bart and Art have been a twosome on the links every day since they've been retired.
One day, as they're putting on their golf shoes in the clubhouse, they get into a conversation
about heaven and whether there are any golf courses there.

They make a pact. The first one to die will come back and tell the other one.
Bart dies first, and sure enough, comes back to visit Art.

Art says, "Well are there any golf courses in heaven?"
"I have good news and I have bad news,"says Bart.

"We have the ultimate golf course in the sky and a tournament which starts tomorrow."
"So what's the bad news?"
............... "You're my partner!"

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