Understanding Your Communication Style

Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness. Understanding your personal style of communicating will go a long way toward helping you to create good and lasting impressions on others. By becoming more aware of how others perceive you, you can adapt more readily to their styles of communicating.

This does not mean you have to be a chameleon, changing with every personality you meet. Instead, you can make another person more comfortable with you by selecting and emphasizing certain behaviors that fit within your personality and resonate with another.


There are three basic communication styles:

1. Aggressive
   
2. Passive
   
3. Assertive
   

Discovering which style best fits you can be done in a number of ways including personality tests such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), psychological assessments, and self-assessments. However, to get a general idea of your communication style, the following descriptions of the three basic types can
help.

Elements of the Aggressive Style

Mottos and Beliefs
"Everyone should be like me."
"I am never wrong."
"I've got rights, but you don't."

Communication Style
Close minded
Poor listener
Has difficulty seeing the other person's point of view
Interrupts
Monopolizing

Characteristics
Achieves goals, often at others' expense
Domineering, bullying
Patronizing
Condescending, sarcastic

Behavior
Puts others down
Doesn't ever think they are wrong
Bossy
Moves into people's space, overpowers
Jumps on others, pushes people around
Know-it-all attitude
Doesn't show appreciation

Nonverbal Cues
Points, shakes finger
Frowns
Squints eyes critically
Glares
Stares
Rigid posture
Critical, loud, yelling tone of voice
Fast, clipped speech

Verbal Cues
"You must (should, ought better)."
"Don't ask why. Just do it."
Verbal abuse

Confrontation and Problem Solving
Must win arguments, threatens, attacks
Operates from win/lose position

Feelings Felt
Anger
Hostility
Frustration
Impatience

Effects
Provokes counteraggression, alienation from others, ill health Wastes time and energy oversupervising others Pays high price in human relationships Fosters resistance, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming alliances, lying, covering up Forces compliance with resentment

Elements of the Passive Style
Mottoes and Beliefs
"Don't express your true feelings."
"Don't make waves."
"Don't disagree."
"Others have more rights than I do."

Communication Style
Indirect
Always agrees
Doesn't speak up
Hesitant

Characteristics
Apologetic, self-conscious
Trusts others, but not self
Doesn't express own wants and feelings
Allows others to make decisions for self
Doesn't get what he or she wants

Behaviors
Sighs a lot
Tries to sit on both sides of the fence to avoid conflict
Clams up when feeling treated unfairly
Asks permission unnecessarily
Complains instead of taking action
Lets others make choices
Has difficulty implementing plans
Self-effacing

Nonverbal Cues
Fidgets
Nods head often; comes across as pleading
Lack of facial animation
Smiles and nods in agreement
Downcast eyes
Slumped posture
Low volume, meek
Up talk
Fast, when anxious; slow, hesitant, when doubtful

Verbal Cues
"You should do it."
"You have more experience than I do."
"I can't......"
"This is probably wrong, but..."
"I'll try..."
Monotone, low energy

Confrontation and Problem Solving
Avoids, ignores, leaves, postpones
Withdraws, is sullen and silent
Agrees externally, while disagreeing internally
Expends energy to avoid conflicts that are anxiety provoking
Spends too much time asking for advice, supervision
Agrees too often

Feelings Felt
Powerlessness
Wonders why doesn't receive credit for good work
Chalks lack of recognition to others' inabilities

Effects
Gives up being him or herself
Builds dependency relationships
Doesn't know where he or she stands
Slowly loses self esteem
Promotes others' causes
Is not well-liked

Elements of the Assertive Style

Mottoes and Beliefs
Believes self and others are valuable
Knowing that assertiveness doesn't mean you always win, but that you
handled the situation as effectively as possible
"I have rights and so do others."

Communication Style
Effective, active listener
States limits, expectations
States observations, no labels or judgments
Expresses self directly, honestly, and as soon as possible about feelings
and wants
Checks on others feelings

Characteristics
Non-judgmental
Observes behavior rather than labeling it
Trusts self and others
Confident
Self-aware
Open, flexible, versatile
Playful, sense of humor
Decisive
Proactive, initiating

Behavior
Operates from choice
Knows what it is needed and develops a plan to get it
Action-oriented
Firm
Realistic in her expectations
Fair, just
Consistent
Takes appropriate action toward getting what she wants without denying
rights of others

Nonverbal Cues
Open, natural gestures
Attentive, interested facial expression
Direct eye contact
Confident or relaxed posture
Vocal volume appropriate, expressive
Varied rate of speech


Verbal Cues
"I choose to..."
"What are my options?"
"What alternatives do we have?"


Confrontation and Problem Solving
Negotiates, bargains, trades off, compromises
Confronts problems at the time they happen
Doesn't let negative feelings build up

Feelings Felt
Enthusiasm
Well being
Even tempered

Effects
Increased self-esteem and self-confidence
Increased self-esteem of others
Feels motivated and understood
Others know where they stand

Clearly, the assertive style is the one to strive for. Keep in mind that very few people are all one or another style. In fact, the aggressive style is essential at certain times such as:
when a decision has to be made quickly;
during emergencies;
when you know you're right and that fact is crucial;
stimulating creativity by designing competitions destined for use in training
or to increase productivity.
Passiveness also has its critical applications:
when an issue is minor;
when the problems caused by the conflict are greater than the conflict itself;
when emotions are running high and it makes sense to take a break in order to calm down and regain perspective;
when your power is much lower than the other party's;
when the other's position is impossible to change for all practical purposes (i.e., government policies, etc.).

Remaining aware of your own communication style and fine-tuning it as time goes by gives you the best chance of success in business and life.

(Ruth Sherman, President, Ruth Sherman Associates, LLC, Greenwich, CT, 1/99)