joke collection – 132

Three Accountants
Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first accountant finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. Very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two other accountants, he says "At KPMG, we are trained to be extremely thorough".

The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says "At Ernst & Young, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient". The third accountant finished and walks straight for the door. "At Arthur Andersen, we don't pee on our hands".

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Airlines......

The Airline Joke

• Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:
  
• "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean" The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
  
• "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
  
• After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.
  
• Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
  
• The captain once again made an announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.
  
• All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.
  
• For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of the plane.
  
• "THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "
  

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British Airways

• "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew.
  
• I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
  
• We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
  
• " If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
  
• If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
  
• "If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
  
• That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.
  
• This is a recorded message."
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Philippine Airlines

• Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking,
  
• We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean.
  
• Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others.
  
• And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean.
  
• Please wear your life vest.
  
• We are going to crash land this plane into the water.
  
• In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm going to say, repeat after me: "Our Father Who is in Heaven.........."
  
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