joke collection – 82

Language school

BRITISH AND ASIAN ENGLISH

The English did invent the English Language but they cannot use it effectively
(in as few words as possible) when communicating their intentions. Just compare
these few phrases that Asians and Britons use to say the same thing especially
when Singapore is trying to promote proper usage of English.

1) IN SHOPPING MALL
BRITONS : I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your
size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
ASIAN : No stock-lah!
HOKKIEN : Bo liao!!
MALAY : Habuk pun tadak.

2) RETURNING A CALL
BRITON : Hello, this is John Wilkinson. Did anyone page for me a few moments
ago?
ASIAN : Hallo, who page eh?
HOKKIEN : Allo - siang ka pay-jer ??!!
MALAY : Eh eh, siapa cari I ??

3) WHEN SOMEONE IS IN THE WAY
BRITON : Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
ASIAN : S-kews!
HOKKIEN : Siam!! ka nim bey siam!
MALAY : Tepi, tepi. Na lalu ni.

4) WHENS SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
BRITON : Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
ASIAN : No --- nid.
HOKKIEN : Neber mind lar!! wa heng lui!!
MALAY : dah... dah baya.

5) WHEN ASKING TO BE EXCUSED
BRITON : If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents. Please
carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
ASIAN : Toy lert, toy lert, anyone?
HOKKIEN : wa ke pang sai ...........
MALAY : Buang air dulu.

6) WHEN ENTERTAINING
BRITON : Please make yourself right at home
ASIAN : Don't be shy-lah
HOKKIEN : mai ke ki hor!
MALAY : Jangan malu-lah, buat macam harta mak bapa kau.

7) WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
BRITON : I don't recall you giving me the money
ASIAN : Where got ?
HOKKIEN : Ka ni nar ...... mai kay kay hor !
MALAY : Jangan merepek-lah, pergi-lah lu.

8) WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
BRITON : I'd prefer not to do that if you don't mind
ASIAN : Doe - waaaaaaa
HOKKIEN : Mai............
MALAY : Tak ma.....u...... lah

9) WHEN DECIDING ON A PLAN OF ACTION
BRITON : What do you propose we do now that the movie is sold outand all the
restaurants are closed?
ASIAN : So how?
HOKKIEN : tong gim ai cho si mi???
MALAY : Apoh nak buat ???

10) WHEN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
BRITON : Err, Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you are coming
from but I really have to disagree with what you said about.
ASIAN : You mad, ah?
HOKKIEN : mai siao lar !!
MALAY : Gila-ah lu.

11) WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE
BRITON : Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to
concentrate over here.
ASIAN : Shaddap lah!
HOKKIEN : mai ka nim bey kau pay kau bu lar !!
MALAY : Eh!! Diam-lah, tutup mulut

12) WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE OR SHE KNOWS YOU
BRITON : Excuse me but I noticed you staring at me for sometime. Do I know you?
ASIAN : See what? Never see before, ah??
HOKKIEN : Kwa kwa! kwa si mi? bo kwa kay si bo?
MALAY : Tengot apa lu, mau kena, ah??

13) WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
BRITON : Excuse me but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through
this door?
ASIAN : [pointing at the door] can or not ?
HOKKIEN : ........................... [ no need to ask ]
MALAY : Tepi, tepi. Lu punya bapa punya jalan ka

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